Risking It All Read online

  “No,” he shouted. “She’s like my stepmother. She’s home today. She can tell you I have a pass. She bought it for me. Please, let’s go there.”

  Marcia was shocked to open the door to a shivering Danny without a coat or hat and standing next to the same policeman who had brought him home before. What had he done now? Danny was so relieved to be home, to be out of the cold and to see Marcia’s worried but friendly face that he impulsively threw his arms around her waist and gave her an awkward hug. It was the first time he’d done this. She tried to hug him back but he had already pulled away, looking embarrassed. She invited the policeman in and offered him a cup of coffee, which he accepted. She made a cup of hot chocolate for Danny and they sat in the kitchen as Danny told both what had happened.

  “The school called to say he had left,” Marcia told the officer. “I was afraid something like this would happen. His teacher said she thought he had a fight with his best friend. That would have upset him very much and I’m afraid he has trouble controlling his impulse to run away when things upset him.” She turned to Danny. “Is that what happened, Danny? Did you and Raul have a fight?”

  Danny looked down, trying to keep tears from his eyes. He nodded.

  “I’m sorry, Danny. I know how you must feel. Do you want to tell us what it was about?”

  He shook his head vigorously. She turned to the policeman and shrugged. “It’s hard for him to express his feelings; you know how it is with kids. But he sees a therapist and hopefully he will talk to him.” The policeman nodded thoughtfully. “I want to thank you for bringing him home,” she continued. “We’re having problems but he’s not a bad kid. He doesn’t always have the best judgment, but he’s twelve years old and has a lot to deal with.”

  “He keeps insisting you’re not his mother. Is he a foster kid?”

  “Sort of. His parents are both dead. His mother was a friend of mine and died recently. She wanted me to take care of him if anything ever happened to her.”

  The officer drained his cup and stood up. “Look, I’m the cop on the beat here. I don’t see anything good coming from hauling him downtown for riding the subway illegally, especially since he tells me he has a pass. Is that right?”

  “Yes, of course. He goes to the Claremont School. All the kids have one.”

  He turned to Danny. “That’s three times you ran away from something instead of facing it. This time you made two bad choices—running away and sneaking into the subway. Three times is usually an out. I’m letting it go this time, but think before you run next time.” He got up, accepted Marcia’s profuse gratitude and left.

  “You’re a lucky boy, Danny. Another cop and this could have gone very differently. Do you understand?”

  “Yeah.” He was looking down. “Where’s Griff?”

  “In his room, napping. He’ll be up soon.”

  “Can I go see?”

  “No, you might wake him.”

  Danny bit his thumbnail, a new habit she’d noticed lately, but she didn’t try to stop him this time. “I’m sorry,” he said.

  “I know.”

  “Are you going to tell Jeff?”

  “No. But I don’t know if the school called him. I hope not.”

  “He hates me enough already.”

  “He doesn’t hate you, Danny. But it’s true that he and I are having some problems.”

  “I know. It’s all my fault.”

  “It isn’t. There’s a lot you’re too young to understand.”

  They heard Griffin stirring in his bedroom. He wasn’t crying to be picked up yet, just gurgling and babbling to himself. Danny looked beseechingly at Marcia and she smiled. “Sure. Go get him.”

  She was at her desk trying to work when Jeff barged in. Obviously, he had heard.

  “Where is he?” he demanded as he entered the kitchen.

  Just then Danny entered, carrying Griffin, who was ready for his snack.

  Jeff grabbed the baby so forcefully that he started to cry. “I don’t want you carrying Griffin,” he shouted. “What the hell did you do? You left school without permission. The school called the police and found out you had snuck onto the subway. A local store reported you were trying to steal a coat but ran out when you were observed.” He looked at Marcia, handing her Griffin, who was howling. “What will it take, Marcia?”

  She took Griffin to comfort him and put him in his high chair with a bottle. “Danny? Were you trying to steal a jacket?”

  “No. I swear. I tried it on just to warm up. Then I took it off and left.”

  “What are you doing here, Jeff?”

  “I live here, remember?”

  “I already told you, you can’t live here and there too.”

  “And I already told you I have no intention of living there. But this isn’t about that.”

  “Danny,” Marcia said. “Jeff and I need to talk. Please go to your room and close the door. You can play games on your iPad.”

  Looking miserable, Danny obeyed.

  After he was gone, she closed the kitchen door and put some Cheerios out for Griffin, who was now finished with his bottle and banging it against the tray.

  “Look, we can’t have this conversation now with Danny in the other room and Griffin here,” she said. “Let’s just try to calm down.”

  “I want you to agree to find another place for Danny to live.”

  “We haven’t even decided if you’re going to be living here,” she answered.

  “I’ve decided.”

  “Well, it’s not a unilateral decision, Jeff.”

  “Marcia, you aren’t hearing me. I think Danny is a bad influence on Griffin, I think it makes him unsafe. And if I leave here, I won’t go alone.”

  “What? What the hell does that mean?”

  “I’ll go to court if I have to.”

  “Court? Have we gotten there so fast? You mean you do want a divorce?”

  “I don’t. I already told you that. But if you won’t let me stay, if you won’t agree to find a solution to Danny, if I can’t protect my son in any other way, I’ll go to court.”

  “For what? What will you go to court for?”

  “I’ll sue you for custody of Griffin.”

  23

  His ear pressed to the tiny crack he had left in his bedroom door, Danny heard everything. Not that hearing was difficult, they were shouting half the time and then, remembering he was there, lowering their voices until their emotions overcame them again and he could hear the volume rise. He didn’t know the whole story, of course, but he knew what he most feared: Jeff was going to take Griffin away, not just from Marcia but from him. More than that, it was all happening because of him. He wouldn’t have to be a genius to know how Jeff felt about him, Danny thought. Jeff hated him and he didn’t want him to have anything to do with Griffin. Marcia had been standing up for him all this time and now she’d lose. Jeff was a lawyer, Danny thought. What did Marcia know about how to fight him? Jeff could do whatever he wanted. And pretty soon Marcia would give in to him. All she had to do was agree to send Danny away and Jeff wouldn’t be able to do anything to her. Of course she’d do it. She’d do anything for her own kid, who wouldn’t? His felt a pang as he remembered his own mother. For the first time he thought about what she had tried to do as something she had done for him. He’d known she’d always said that, of course. But he started to think how sick she was at first when she was pregnant and how slowly she walked as her stomach got bigger and how she did all that and wasn’t even going to keep the baby. It was all for him, to move into a better house, to go to a better school. But that flash of gratitude was replaced almost instantly with bitterness. So look, Ma, he thought sadly. Here I am living in a better neighborhood and going to a better school and I don’t have you. And that’s why I can’t learn anything and I fight with everyone, and I’m getting kicked out because you made me good and now you’re not here and I’m bad.

  He looked around at his room, the Legos and games Marcia had bought hi
m, his iPad. He clenched his teeth, trying to be brave, but he felt more like a condemned man on his walk to the death chamber. He’d seen a show about something like that. A kid’s parents died and he was supposed to go live with a really mean aunt so he ran away and there was this scene where he just looked around at his room and his toys and you just knew how he felt. That’s what Danny felt now. He didn’t know where they’d send him but he knew it wouldn’t be good. He didn’t want to go. He thought about calling Dr. Benson, but it didn’t feel right. The only person he wanted to see, the only person who would understand was Raul, and Raul wasn’t speaking to him. He pulled out his iPad and texted him. Need you real bad. Can you meet me?

  A few minutes passed in which he stared at his iPad, willing it to signal that a text had arrived. And then it did.

  sorry about today. ma is working. come over?

  He was so grateful he could barely answer. yeah. be there, he texted.

  But how would he get out? Marcia would never let him go. Raul lived too far away so she wouldn’t let him go there. Besides, she thought they’d had a fight. But she didn’t know what he did at school. Maybe he could use that. He walked into the kitchen. Marcia was on the phone. She was hunched over at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee, the phone pressed tightly against her ear, talking softly—probably so he wouldn’t hear, he thought. She looked terrible. Her face was pale and her eyes were red. He felt sorry for her. It’s all my fault, he thought again, sadly. He remembered how she’d tried to help him and how ungrateful he’d been, how he kept doing bad things and never told her anything he was feeling. How he had lied to her and was going to lie again. He shrugged it off. It was too late now. He had to get to Raul’s house.

  “Marcia, I gotta go out,” he said.

  She had barely noticed him when he entered the room, but looked up when he spoke.

  “Have to go out?” she asked mechanically, covering the mouthpiece with her hand.

  “Sorry. I have to go to Ron’s house about the homework.”

  “Who’s Ron? Where does he live?”

  “He’s a kid in my class. We’re supposed to do a project together. He lives on Sixty-fifth Street on the East Side.”

  “You can call him to get it when I get off the phone,” she said.

  “No. We have to do it together. I’ll get in trouble if I don’t show up.” He held his breath. He’d never out-and-out lied to Marcia before and he was afraid she’d know. And he didn’t have his pass. He would need her to give him some money. But he was counting on Marcia being distracted because she was upset, and he was right. She nodded absently and waved him away as she returned to her phone call.

  “Grace? I’m sorry,” he heard her say. “So what do you think I should do?”

  “I’m sorry, Marcia. I don’t have my pass. I need some money.” He held his breath. This might stop her. But she just frowned impatiently and reached behind her for her purse.

  “Hang on one more minute, okay?” she said into the phone. She threw her wallet over to him. He opened it. She had three $20 bills. He held up one of them, with a helpless shrug.

  “It’s okay. Take that. Bring me change. Don’t stay late. And don’t interrupt me again.” She turned back to the phone. “I hate to bother you at work with this, Grace, but I don’t know what to do,” he heard her say as he slipped out the door.

  He was a little nervous about going on his own, but also excited. He knew how to get to Raul’s house from school but he wasn’t sure of the route from his apartment. He remembered it was the F train to Queens, and he knew he could get that if he got to the East Side. He walked through Central Park and found the subway station at Sixty-third Street and Lexington Avenue. From there, he knew the way. Twenty minutes later, he was proudly knocking on Raul’s door. It was answered by Julio, Raul’s stepbrother.

  “Hey kid,” he said. Danny was surprised. It was bad enough that Raul had agreed to go against his mother’s instructions and hang out with him. He was also never supposed to let Julio in the house when she wasn’t there. Raul came out of his room and greeted him with a smile. Danny looked around nervously. “When’s your ma coming home?”

  “Not till six. She’s at work, I told you.”

  “What about your dad?”

  “He’s out too. He took Teresa to the doctor.”

  “How come? She sick?”

  “Nah. Just a checkup.”

  “How come you didn’t talk to me at school but it’s okay for me to come over?”

  Raul shrugged. “I changed my mind.”

  Julio laughed. “Tell him what I told you,” he said.

  “He said you don’t do that to your friends,” Raul said quietly, looking down like he was ashamed.

  Danny looked gratefully at Julio He wanted to hug him, but he didn’t dare. Julio was the first person other than Marcia, the first guy, to look out for him since his mother died. Manolo, who lived next door, used to do that sometimes, but he was part of his past life. He tried to say thank you, but Julio brushed it off. Instead, Julio lit a cigarette, offering one to Raul and one to him. He was shocked to see Raul take it and light up. He seemed to know what to do with it too. Danny shook his head. He just wanted to tell them what had happened and ask what he should do.

  “They’ll probably put you in foster care,” Julio said. “You don’t want that, man. It’d be better to live on the street. I could probably find something for you to do to make some money.” Danny’s eyes grew wider. He was scared. He figured Jeff could really do that to him, just put him in foster care and never look back, but he didn’t think Marcia would let him. He imagined what his mother would think if he lived on the street and worked for Julio. “Marica won’t let them do that,” he said.

  “Oh yeah? Wait till he takes away her baby. She’ll do anything to keep her own kid. She don’t care about you.”

  “Don’t they always give kids to the mothers?” Raul asked. “That’s what I saw on TV.”

  “Yeah, but this dude is a lawyer. He can work the system,” Julio said.

  “He thinks I want to hurt Griffin. How can I show him I don’t? I would never hurt him.”

  “You can’t show him, man. He thinks you’re a bad kid and you’re gonna make Griffin bad.”

  “I’m not, I won’t.” He was starting to cry.

  “Don’t worry, kid.” Julio laughed. “I’m pretty good at convincing people of things. Maybe I should take a crack at him.”

  Danny knew what that meant. He’d learned how Julio got people to pay his debts from a Law & Order episode he’d seen on TV. He knew that was why Raul’s mother didn’t want him around Raul. It suddenly hit Danny that she was afraid of Julio the same way Jeff was afraid of him. This wasn’t making Danny feel any better. He was beginning to regret having come. He understood that his one chance of staying with Griffin was for Marcia to win. If he was good, if he didn’t get into any more trouble, maybe Jeff would back off. Maybe the judge would see that Danny loved Griff, that he wasn’t going to do anything to hurt him.

  “No. Julio,” he said in a panic. “Please don’t do that.”

  “Don’t worry,” Julio laughed again, “I’m just kidding.” He fist-bumped both boys and said he had to go. Before he did he tore a piece of lined paper out of Raul’s school notebook and wrote his cell phone number on it. “If you need help call me,” he said to Danny. “Don’t want my little brother’s friend living on the street alone.”

  Danny folded the page and put it in the zippered compartment of his backpack. Then, suddenly, he was in a rush to get home. But Marcia might ask to see what he’d done. “Raul, I need the homework for today.”

  “Wanna do it together?”

  “Yeah. I told Marcia I was working on a project with Ron so she’d let me go out. She’d never have let me come all the way here this late on my own. What could I say it was?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Think.”

  “Maybe we could, like, give each other quizzes and mark th
em. We did that in school a couple of times, remember?”

  “Yeah. That’s good. Maybe science.”

  “Yeah. Okay. We could do it on today’s homework.”

  They sat at the kitchen table and worked out the details, finishing the next day’s homework while they were at it. Before he left, Danny asked him if now they could sit together at lunch again.

  “Nah, I can’t,” Raul said. “The teachers would see and tell my ma. We gotta do this like a secret.” Danny nodded. He got it. “Okay.” He left, walking to the subway and retracing his route until he got home.

  Marcia was cooking dinner in the kitchen. She looked stressed but a little better and her eyes weren’t red anymore. She greeted him and asked if he had any trouble getting to his friend’s house. He said no and carefully counted out the change for her twenty and put it on the table. She smiled. “You’re getting to know your way around. I’m proud of you.”

  He swallowed. “Thanks.” Griffin was in his high chair. He laughed when he saw Danny and stretched out his arms to him. Danny looked at Marcia.

  “Don’t pick him up,” she said. “I’m just giving him dinner. Did you get your project done?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Well, good. You can show it to me after dinner.” Good thing he’d done it, he thought. He started to walk to his room to put away his backpack but stopped halfway down the hall and returned to the kitchen. He stood in the doorway.

  “Marcia?

  “Yeah.”

  “Am I … no, nothin’. I wanna go wash my hands.”

  “Sure. Go on.”

  He’d heard her fighting with Jeff, she thought, though she didn’t know how much he had taken in. She wanted to reassure him but she didn’t know how. She’d spent the afternoon talking to Grace and making appointments, one for a divorce lawyer Grace had recommended, another with Dr. Benson. Her stomach was in knots and she was still finding it hard to believe this was all happening. She was consumed with protecting Griffin, but her maternal instinct extended to Danny too and she was worried about how this would turn out.

  “He’s scared,” she murmured to herself, draining the spaghetti she had cooked for their dinner. “But what can I do? I’m scared too.”