Risking It All Read online

  “I thought we agreed that Danny was never to be left alone with Griffin,” he began, his voice tight with barely controlled fury.

  She stiffened. “I didn’t leave him alone. I took a short nap.”

  “Really? That’s your explanation? You aren’t concerned that your baby was just scalded by an angry kid who happens to live with us? You’re not worried about what else he might get up to?”

  She didn’t answer right away, but stood and walked to the drawer in which they kept the first aid kit and nonprescription medicines. Shaking three Advil out of the jar, she washed them down at the same time with a sip of water. “Look, Jeff, you’re not in court and I’m not going to be cross-examined. Of course I’m ‘concerned,’ as you put it, so please don’t be such an asshole. I was as worried and upset as you were and I’m as relieved as you are now that it wasn’t more serious. We dodged a bullet. I wish it hadn’t happened. I wish Danny hadn’t tried to help and made a mistake. But if you’d been around here you’d know that this wasn’t the malicious act of an angry kid. He wanted to help, to do the right thing. He used the judgment of a twelve-year-old and screwed up and he knows to never take it upon himself to do anything like that again. He is as guilty and sorry as any boy could be. And thank God, Griffin is fine. So lighten up, okay? We’ve all been through enough today.”

  Jeff sat down heavily. “I want him out of here, Marcia. I don’t feel safe with him here.”

  “You’re overreacting. You are completely off base. You don’t know him. You are rarely here when he is, but I am. I have dinner with him every night. I have met his friend and his friend’s mother. I help him with his homework. And I know that you haven’t given him a chance from the start, but I’m not going to give up on him.”

  He was shaking his head as she was speaking and finally, he looked straight at her. “Will you promise me, I mean without exception, promise me that he will never be alone with Griffin again, not while you nap, not while you run to the store for five minutes, never?”

  She met his gaze. “How about when I’m in the bathroom? Would that be okay?”

  “If it’s fast.”

  She poured the coffee but it had cooled, so she put the cup in the microwave.

  “I promise,” she said in a softer voice. “But I’d really love it if you would try to see how they are together, Jeff. There’s really love there, on both sides. Danny is heartbroken about this. Imagine how he feels. And today is his birthday. I cancelled his party. Maybe we can all have dinner together. We can eat that birthday cake I ordered, and maybe you can see what I’m talking about.”

  “I can’t. I have to get back to the office.”

  She didn’t respond. She just sat at the table, sipping her coffee slowly and staring ahead of her. He sat next to her, reaching out tentatively to put his hand on her arm. She didn’t move away. “I was so scared,” he said.

  “I know. Me too.” She patted his hand and got up. “I’m going to check on Griffin.”

  He hesitated. “I’ll go with you but then I have to get back.”

  “Yeah, I know. Go ahead.”

  They stood at Griffin’s crib, looking down at him peacefully sleeping. As they re-entered the hallway, Jeff asked, “How old is he today? Twelve?”

  “Yeah. Twelve.”

  “Maybe I should go say happy birthday.”

  She was overcome with gratitude. “That would be great, Jeff. It will mean so much to him.”

  He walked to Danny’s door and knocked, then opened it without waiting for an answer. She listened, but she didn’t hear him say anything. Instead, she heard the door close sharply. Jeff met her in the kitchen. “Did you say he was heartbroken? Yeah. Really. He was sitting on his bed playing a game on a goddamn iPad. I don’t even know where he got it.”

  “It was his birthday present,” she said sadly. “I gave it to him.”

  He shrugged and shook his head. “Don’t wait up for me,” he said before walking out the door.

  18

  Julie stood at the door of Marcia’s office, weighed down by a seven-hundred-page manuscript that had to be cut by three hundred pages.

  “It’s impossible,” she said. “This guy never met a fact he didn’t love.”

  Marcia laughed. “I know. But he’s also brilliant. And stubborn, so I admit you have your hands full.”

  “Tell me about it,” Julie said, indicating her full arms.

  “I didn’t just mean with that heavy manuscript.”

  “I know, I know. And I’m about to dig in,” she said. “The problem isn’t only suggesting the cuts, it’s persuading him to make them. No one told me you have to be a diplomat as well as an editor for this job.”

  “Well, now you know,” Marcia said. “It turns out you have to be a diplomat for almost any job.”

  “Anyway, I stopped by to tell you that Jeff called three times and just called again. I think you’d better call him back.”

  “Damn. I forgot. I’ve been swamped. But thanks, I’ll call right now.”

  “Should I close your door?”

  “No. That’s okay.”

  When Julie disappeared, lugging her burden to her own office (recently awarded when she became an associate editor based on Marcia’s enthusiastic recommendation) Marcia picked up the phone. She wondered why Julie asked if she should close the door. Did she think they needed privacy? Had anyone been hearing the phone arguments she’d been having with Jeff, even though she thought she’d been so careful to disguise them? It seemed like they were at each other all the time these days, and not just about Danny, and their arguments had become just as much about the tone as the substance of their conversations. It was as if the general goodwill that had always accompanied their relationship had been lost, and without it, even the most innocent remark became a problem. “You look tired,” she had said to him this morning, and he had taken it as an insult.

  “Yeah, well, I am tired, Marcia,” he’d said, “I’m trying to earn enough money to support this family.”

  “You don’t do that alone,” she had replied, “I work too,” and then both had eaten breakfast in silence and gone off to work with a bad taste in their mouths. Their phone calls were no better. But they didn’t shout. It wasn’t likely Julie or anyone in the office had picked up on the tension, was it? It also occurred to Marcia that she might not have been as careful as she should have in her conversations with Grace Zilman. Ever since Grace had suggested surrogacy at that now seemingly long ago dinner in Woodstock, she and Marcia had grown close. It had been Grace whom Marcia had talked to during Eve’s pregnancy and Grace whom she cried to about everything that happened after the birth. Marcia often took a break from work to call her to discuss the problems she was having with Danny and with Jeff. Grace always counseled patience but also supported Marcia in her refusal to give up on Danny. Could Julie have overheard some of these discussions? She dismissed that idea, thinking too much of Julie to believe her capable of eavesdropping. Julie was simply being polite, Marcia concluded. She was getting paranoid.

  She picked up the phone to return Jeff’s call. The phone rang three times before his secretary picked up and Marcia waited a few minutes to be put through to him. He’d continued his punishing work schedule, skipping dinner at home regularly and going in most Saturdays. They had planned to both be home tonight and she wondered if he had called to beg off again. But when he picked up, his voice lacked the guilty apology it held when he was about to cancel their plans.

  “Marcia, guess who’s in town?”

  “A new client you have to have dinner with?” she said.

  “Guess again,” he said dryly.

  “I’m really busy, Jeff, so just tell me.”

  “It’s Charlie Posner,” he said, referring to Marcia’s first college boyfriend who had become their mutual close friend. “He’s here for just one night and he wants to have dinner. Can you get Berta to stay late?” It was odd, she thought. Jeff had gotten as close to Charlie as she was. Sometimes sh
e thought they were even closer, though she still had a special bond with Charlie and with his wife, Eden, who had been one of her roommates. The Posners had moved to San Francisco, where Eden worked as a midwife, and he’d gotten a job with a tech investment firm—a long way from the student activist he’d been when she’d known him. Marcia loved teasing him about his rise to a member of the establishment, which both pleased and embarrassed him. They texted and spoke from time to time, but were no longer an everyday presence in each other’s lives. Charlie and Jeff, however, were often in touch, talking business or just having a beer together whenever one was in the other’s town.

  She hesitated. “I, uh, was kind of looking forward to a family meal for a change tonight,” she said.

  “Sweetheart, it’s Charlie. We haven’t seen him in a year. He’s leaving tomorrow. Don’t you want to see him?”

  It sounded strange. He hadn’t called her sweetheart in a while and it made her want to cooperate. And she did like Charlie. “Yeah, of course,” she said in a warmer voice. “Maybe you should invite him to dinner at our place.”

  There was a long pause. “Well,” Jeff said, “if it was just us and Griff, I’d love to do that.”

  “I don’t understand.”

  “You know how tense it is with Danny. Besides, I want to fill him in and I can’t do that with Danny around.”

  There was a pause during which she squelched the angry reply that first came to her mind. “Okay. I’ll call Berta,” she said, the warmth replaced by a brittle efficiency. “Where should we go?”

  “I’ll try Primola. I’ll text you. Seven okay?”

  “Yeah.”

  She got the text and arrived at Primola early. Charlie was having a drink at the bar and she joined him.

  “Hi, beautiful,” he said.

  She smiled. Same old bullshit but she liked it. “Hi,” she said. They leaned in and kissed briefly on the lips, a little less than romantic, a little more than platonic.

  “Everything good?”

  “Sure. Everything’s great.”

  “You look amazing. Motherhood must be good for you. What are you drinking?”

  “Pino Grigio.”

  “It’s reassuring how you never change.”

  “I change. How’s Eden?”

  “She’s okay, I guess.”

  “You guess?”

  “Look, I was going to wait for Jeff for this, but what the hell. We’re having problems.”

  “Who isn’t having problems?”

  “No, I mean it. We’re going to try separating for a while to see if it helps.”

  “What? I didn’t see that coming.” Marcia felt disturbed. The Posners had gotten married a year before she and Jeff did and they always seemed like a perfectly matched couple. “I can’t believe it. I just talked to Eden last month and she didn’t say a word. I’m so sorry.”

  “We agreed to keep it secret until we made a decision,” he said. Silence followed as neither could think of the right thing to say.

  “I should have married you, you know. I always said that,” he joked, trying to lighten the mood.

  She looked at him and shook her head. It was a bad joke, under the circumstances. With his boyish looks and athlete’s build, Charlie Posner was as handsome as ever. He and Marcia had maintained a completely harmless flirtatious relationship over the years. It would never go anywhere, but both enjoyed the game. This time, however, it was inappropriate and awkward and she was about to tell him so, but just at that moment she caught sight of Jeff pushing his way toward the bar. He stopped and gave her a kiss on the cheek, then grabbed Charlie’s hand.

  “Hey man, great to see you,” Charlie said.

  Marcia got up to tell the maître d’ they were all there and he led them to a table. Marcia and Charlie took their drinks with them, and Jeff ordered a vodka tonic and an expensive bottle of Beaujolais. “Don’t worry,” he said as the waiter brought it to the table. “I’m paying.” The restaurant was noisy and the acoustics were bad but Marcia quickly let Jeff know what Charlie had told her. Jeff was shocked.

  “I can’t believe it,” he said. “You two were so tight.”

  “Do you want to tell us what happened?” Marcia asked.

  “She wants to have a baby. I told her from day one I would never want that and she agreed, but now her goddamn clock is ticking and she says she won’t be happy without it.”

  “Don’t do something like that just to make her happy,” Jeff jumped in. “Believe me, that’s a mistake.”

  Marcia stared at him. “Really? Was Griffin a mistake?”

  “Look, I love being Griffin’s father. I love Griffin. But shit, of course it was a mistake. Look what happened.”

  “Nobody could have predicted that,” Charlie said. “That wasn’t a mistake. That was a terrible accident.”

  “Yeah. And I’m still paying for it.”

  Marcia took a long swig of her drink. She spit out her words, “You’re paying for it? You son of a bitch.” She turned to Charlie.

  “Actually, we have another kid,” Marcia said. “That’s who Jeff is referring to. You know the story. We have a twelve-year-old adopted son.”

  “He’s not adopted,” Jeff said quickly.

  “No. You’re right. He’s not. Not yet.” A silence followed.

  “Anyway,” Marcia said, taking a deep breath and attempting to turn the conversation back to Charlie. “You couldn’t give in on this, Charlie? Jeff and I have problems over Danny but he loves Griffin. You might surprise yourself. Did she leave you because of this?”

  “No. I left her. I couldn’t be responsible for her unhappiness and I couldn’t give her what she wanted. I absolutely don’t see me with a baby.”

  “How about a twelve-year-old kid?” Jeff asked, laughing. “We could give you Danny.”

  “That’s just not funny,” Marcia snapped.

  “No, there’s nothing funny about Danny.” Jeff called the waiter over and ordered another round of drinks.

  “Where is Eden now?” Marcia asked, trying hard not to keep rising to the bait Jeff continued to dangle.

  “She’s at home. Her sister came. I’m in an apartment.”

  “Do you think you might work it out?”

  “I don’t know. Maybe. But what’s going on with you two?”

  Marcia shifted her position. “Look, Danny is dealing with a lot. He’s having troubles at school. He doesn’t have a lot of friends. He’s still mad and confused about his mother. But he’s slowly getting better and becoming adjusted. The one who can’t seem to bend or adjust is Jeff. He just doesn’t want him around.”

  Jeff bristled. “You can see that it’s all my fault, right, Charlie? Poor Danny. He fights so much at school, the expensive private school I agreed to pay for, by the way, that he’s going to be expelled from; he barely speaks to me and when he does he’s sullen, he gets brought home by the police, he ‘accidentally’ gives Griffin a bottle of boiling milk and we’re lucky as hell there was no serious damage to the baby’s throat, but it’s all my fault.” He had finished his second vodka tonic by now and was on his third glass of wine and Marcia knew further discussion would be useless. She repressed her anger and tried to make her tone conciliatory. “Let’s not bore Charlie with our problems, he’s got plenty of his own. In fact, let’s not talk about anybody’s problems.”

  “What’s left?”

  “How about those Mets?” Jeff said, laughing, an old joke among them whenever the conversation got tense.

  They all laughed. Jeff asked what time Charlie was leaving the next day and he said he was taking a late flight. Marcia suggested he come over for brunch. If it was a good day, they could all go to Central Park and take a walk.

  “I’d like you to meet Griffin,” she said. “He’ll make you change your mind about babies.”

  Especially if you can have them naturally,” Jeff added. It was more bait, but she didn’t rise to it, though she wanted to.

  “I don’t think we’ve made an afte
rnoon with our family seem that enticing,” she said, her voice like ice. It warmed when she turned to Charlie. “But I would love you to come, Charlie. I’d like you to meet both kids.”

  “Sure. What time should I get there?”

  “What time do you have to leave for the airport?”

  “Probably around four.”

  “Great. Come at eleven. I’ll make pancakes.”

  “Done.”

  Griffin was on his best behavior when Charlie arrived. He was all smiles and gurgles and babbles, some of which definitely sounded like “Mama.”

  “He loves his mom,” Charlie said, smiling.

  “Actually, it turns out that the M sound is easier to say than the D sound,” Jeff said. “Almost all babies say ‘Mama’ before they can say ‘Dada.’”

  “Right,” Marcia said. “It has nothing to do with the fact that you are hardly ever here when he’s awake.”

  “I wonder how you’d like living with two kids on just your salary,” Jeff snapped.

  “Let’s go for a walk,” Charlie offered, clearly uncomfortable.

  Danny had been polite at lunch, although as usual, when Jeff was around, he barely spoke and seemed restless, tapping his heels and jiggling his knee until Jeff ordered him to sit up straight and be still. He didn’t want to join them at the park, but Marcia insisted, so he came.

  “Why don’t you bring your glove and baseball?” Marcia suggested.

  They decided to go to Central Park instead of Riverside, even though it was a little farther away. Jeff carried Griffin in a backpack and Marcia pushed the stroller in case they wanted to change later. Danny lagged behind and Jeff kept telling him to walk faster. They passed a playground and Marcia asked Danny if he wanted to go in for a bit, but he curled his lip in disdain. “That’s for little kids,” he said. When they got to the sailboat pond, he dawdled a bit, interested in the remote-controlled toy sailboats and watching people manipulate them. “They don’t have motors,” Marcia said. “You have to actually know sailing principles and make use of the wind.” Jeff kept walking, but Charlie was intrigued.